Nihil

I'm in a very sad mood and I can't get out of it. I try to make myself believe that I can succeed to do it, but I can't.
I feel that my entire life was useless. I don't know what to do next.

I thought I was strong but in fact I'm very weak. There is a big difference between 'knowing the path' and 'walking the path'. But do I actually know the path? I'm not certain. In fact, I'm not certain of anything.

To be able to survive in this life, I need a goal. And I will dedicate all my efforts towards it. But I cannot find this goal. Nobody is telling me what this goal is, or it should be. I don't know where to start; I don't know what good or bad. It like my entire system of values is broken. I used this rule until now: "If I don't hurt anybody by doing what I do, then it should be good. Otherwise is bad." But now I really doubt the validity of this rule. Why? Because it is recurrent. How can I say if what I do, hurts or doesn't hurt the other? Because people are not sincere anymore. They keep their thoughts, beliefs, fears or hates inside themselves. They don't tell you anything. At least not for now - they will attack you later somehow.

When I was a kid I tried to read this book called "Nihil" (nihilism). The author was writing on how unworthy is everything in this life. At that time I said to myself - he is a crazy person, and I refused to finish the book. Now I begin to go into the same direction. Why?